Monday, 25 May 2009

Is something wrong with me?

I've been reflecting on the goings on in my life in recent times. Firstly, I find myself in a position where I do not believe that I am able to offer any serious competition in the man stakes, to all those youngsters (twinks) who are buzzing about the scene. In any event, the "scene" never really was my thing. It seemed too much like guys ogling each other with only one thing in mind; where there never seemed to be the suggestion of something more substantial, more meaningful; and this sort of thing has never done it for me. For this reason, I quickly became bored with the scene. I even found it mildly annoying, so I removed myself from it, save for very occasional forays into a bar or something. But those rare visits would only reinforce my conviction that the decision I made to quit the scene was the right one.

OK, something more substantial then. For the last 15 years or so, I have been in one relationship or the other for more of the time than not. But looking back, it looks to me like a string of broken relationships. These were relationships where I believe I worked as hard as I could to make them successful. But I guess it takes two to make a relationship work, although I'm not for one minute suggesting that I was never at fault. The bottom line is that the relationships always failed, sometimes after 2 or 3 years, even though with some of them we have remained very good friends afterwards.

The problem is that I've now become reluctant to put myself through another heartbreak. And this is having an effect on the way that I respond to anyone who shows an interest. I am so jaded that nowadays, I do not ever find myself making the first move as I used to do in my heyday. I'm feeling too content with the peace and quiet of my flat. I've taken up Botany on a more serious level and found myself this morning passionately explaining to Kevin at the garden centre why I needed a replacement for my Campanula that failed to sprout this year. I spent half an hour deciding if I wanted a pink, yellow or white orchid. I settled for a Ludisia Red Velvet. Words such as Anthurium, Primula vialii, Viola 'Etain' are going around in my head and I'm wondering if I'm losing touch with the real world. I voiced my concern to my friend Albert, and his exact words to me were "Boy, you need a husband..."

Can someone please tell me, is there something wrong with me?

9 comments:

Tamaku said...

How about getting yourself a pet?

Anengiyefa said...

Lol, Tamaku I couldn't help laughing ...I thought you'd be more imaginative than that. Heehee, I'm still giggling..

Naughty feeling said...

If i were some fancy shmancy psychologist i would ask you how you feel about it then bill you. I think you need a pick me up friend or a feel good activity to take up your time that you spend thinking such melancholic thoughts. I think the only thing wrong with you is that you may need someone to be your significant other as your friend aptly put it.

Anengiyefa said...

Yup, Naughty Feeling youre spot on. Just wondering when, or even if it will happen. Meanwhile, the plants are doing a reasonablly good job of making me feel good :)

Naughty feeling said...

All good things come to those who are strong enough to wait. I have convinced myself of this and i think you should be patient and all will work out for the best in the end. I digress, garuba, oh garuba. You never did finish your fleeting romance, nosey me!

Anengiyefa said...

Hi NF, well, with Garuba there was a whole year of passion to be written about, so don't worry, more to come. :) Btw, I'm keen to hear what happened at that cafe, you and her..

Amooti, Uganda said...

The real world was the Garden of Eden as God intended it at first. I should reckon this is where you are at!.. Anthurium, Primula vialii, Viola 'Etain' ............

Anonymous said...

yopu got hurt, your mind has responded in kind... despite everything we are still animals capable of conditioning... thus if after every relationship there has been heart break, after a while the mind tends to equate heart break to the relationship itself, and on a sub conscious level you begin avoiding it...no idea what to tell you, will just say try get past your fears of hurt and pain... no idea how you can do that though... i'm still trying to get past mine...

Anengiyefa said...

@Amooti, yeah right! The Garden of Eden indeed.

@Anon, true, true. The hurt and pain bit is over. Its the fear that lingers, the fear of being hurt once again. Thanks for your words. Its heartening too to know that I'm not alone.