I've been reflecting on the goings on in my life in recent times. Firstly, I find myself in a position where I do not believe that I am able to offer any serious competition in the man stakes, to all those youngsters (twinks) who are buzzing about the scene. In any event, the "scene" never really was my thing. It seemed too much like guys ogling each other with only one thing in mind; where there never seemed to be the suggestion of something more substantial, more meaningful; and this sort of thing has never done it for me. For this reason, I quickly became bored with the scene. I even found it mildly annoying, so I removed myself from it, save for very occasional forays into a bar or something. But those rare visits would only reinforce my conviction that the decision I made to quit the scene was the right one.
OK, something more substantial then. For the last 15 years or so, I have been in one relationship or the other for more of the time than not. But looking back, it looks to me like a string of broken relationships. These were relationships where I believe I worked as hard as I could to make them successful. But I guess it takes two to make a relationship work, although I'm not for one minute suggesting that I was never at fault. The bottom line is that the relationships always failed, sometimes after 2 or 3 years, even though with some of them we have remained very good friends afterwards.
The problem is that I've now become reluctant to put myself through another heartbreak. And this is having an effect on the way that I respond to anyone who shows an interest. I am so jaded that nowadays, I do not ever find myself making the first move as I used to do in my heyday. I'm feeling too content with the peace and quiet of my flat. I've taken up Botany on a more serious level and found myself this morning passionately explaining to Kevin at the garden centre why I needed a replacement for my Campanula that failed to sprout this year. I spent half an hour deciding if I wanted a pink, yellow or white orchid. I settled for a Ludisia Red Velvet. Words such as Anthurium, Primula vialii, Viola 'Etain' are going around in my head and I'm wondering if I'm losing touch with the real world. I voiced my concern to my friend Albert, and his exact words to me were "Boy, you need a husband..."
Can someone please tell me, is there something wrong with me?