I've been in a relationship for the last two years with M, the same one who on Valentines day in February failed to send me a Valentines day greeting, not even a text message. Of course there were apologies afterwards, but from that time onwards my feelings towards the relationship have been so affected and things have not returned to normal since, five months later. What has been is an on again, off again thing, which has not produced the same level of emotional satisfaction that existed before. At first, I was inclined to put the relationship behind me altogether, but it hasn't been easy because I can't seem to completely forget the joy and pleasure of the good times when the relationship was still going on smoothly.
We have tried several times in the last few months to patch things up, but my fear of being let down again gets in the way, to the point where I'm rather reticent to succumb to M's attempts to make amends. And even on those occasions when I have accepted M's endeavours at conciliation, within a short while things have returned straight back to the way they were when all the problems began. There is a very strong monogamous streak in me that keeps me from straying when I'm in a relationship, but the downside of this is that when things go awry as they seem to be doing with M, there is nothing on which to fall back. This leaves me high and dry, feeling stranded. All of the investment in time and emotion, the commitment and devotion seems to be wasted. And it hurts!
I was thinking about this last night as I lay awake in bed, and I thought perhaps for the sake of my sanity and my peace of mind, it might be best if I just remained alone since it is unlikely that I will let myself down, as has been the case with most of the people that I've been involved with. I really needed someone to share my troubles with over the last few weeks, but nobody in my life at the moment seems to deserve that position of trust. And definitely not M, who is still expecting me to pursue him, and will only get in touch with me when there is something I can do for him.