Sunday, 19 July 2009

What to do?

I've been in a relationship for the last two years with M, the same one who on Valentines day in February failed to send me a Valentines day greeting, not even a text message. Of course there were apologies afterwards, but from that time onwards my feelings towards the relationship have been so affected and things have not returned to normal since, five months later. What has been is an on again, off again thing, which has not produced the same level of emotional satisfaction that existed before. At first, I was inclined to put the relationship behind me altogether, but it hasn't been easy because I can't seem to completely forget the joy and pleasure of the good times when the relationship was still going on smoothly.

We have tried several times in the last few months to patch things up, but my fear of being let down again gets in the way, to the point where I'm rather reticent to succumb to M's attempts to make amends. And even on those occasions when I have accepted M's endeavours at conciliation, within a short while things have returned straight back to the way they were when all the problems began. There is a very strong monogamous streak in me that keeps me from straying when I'm in a relationship, but the downside of this is that when things go awry as they seem to be doing with M, there is nothing on which to fall back. This leaves me high and dry, feeling stranded. All of the investment in time and emotion, the commitment and devotion seems to be wasted. And it hurts!

I was thinking about this last night as I lay awake in bed, and I thought perhaps for the sake of my sanity and my peace of mind, it might be best if I just remained alone since it is unlikely that I will let myself down, as has been the case with most of the people that I've been involved with. I really needed someone to share my troubles with over the last few weeks, but nobody in my life at the moment seems to deserve that position of trust. And definitely not M, who is still expecting me to pursue him, and will only get in touch with me when there is something I can do for him.


Tamaku said...

Try and get out of the flat more, perhaps a walk in the park or while the time away at a record store. As a student I used to get homesick in London but found that a good wander around HMV used to make me forget stuff (didn't buy anything).
Perhaps you need to lay your cards on the table with M - everything. It may be the best thing for you both even if you go your separate ways. Easier said than done, I know. But you can't peg your happiness to one individual and especially if it's going to have an effect on your health.
Smile. New week, new beginning, great future ahead, let's think positive thoughts.

Naughty feeling said...

I know that feeling and from my experience it doesnt lead anywhere pleasent. It hurts but there comes a time when you need to step away from everything and re-evalute the way things stand. I know love and objectivity in one sentence is oxymoronic but i would say you need to look at your relationship with objectivity. You may need to express your inhibitions to him. I don't think you should fear being alone but think of it rather an opportunity for something better. No one is worth tormenting yourself over. Talk to him but dont be afraid to let go. Good luck.

Anengiyefa said...

Hi Tamaku,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my cry. About getting out more, well, I do that as often as I can, but its not as if going out is itself the solution to the problem with men whose only one aim is the pursuit of sex. Been there, done that and discarded that t-shirt!

About M, you're probably right about laying all the cards on the table. In fact I've done that over and over and its been only because of ones own weakness that one hasn't managed to build up the courage to accept that this thing just hasn't worked out, and that the best thing perhaps would be for us both to move on. The problem though is that he keeps coming back..

Anengiyefa said...

Hi NF,

You're right. Frankly, its not that I'm afraid of being alone. Even within the relationship I still felt like I was alone. I think this is just what I was saying in my post, that being alone provides for a more peaceful existence, although of course being alone poses the question of where to go when you need counsel or even a cuddle..

To summon the courage to "let go" is what I need to do perhaps.. thanks my friend...

Naughty feeling said...

Am always here for you. That is what friends are for.

Gay Nairobi Man said...


Its been a minute.

In my last relationship, I dated someone who forgot my birthday and valentines and other personal days too. I loved him, knew he was hurting me but was really afraid of being alone or what was out there. Then there was the social connections and many things that one has to sever to start a fresh... it is daunting my friend.

However, like Tamaku said, no one should have a monopoly over your happiness. It also the little things that count in a relationship... a random text or email with "I care for you" or "Last weekend was the bomb..thank you" really is great for love.

What I am I saying..M may not be the man for you but you are afraid. Break the yoke my brother.

Rox said...

Honey nobody should have that much control over your happiness. It seems to me that M is not aware how negatively his attitude and behavior affects you. Probably because you you are at different places where the relationship is concerned. If he is not there and doesn't make an effort to be, its time to cut your losses. It'll hurt but your heart will mend. You deserve someone who shares your passion and has a definite responsibility in your relationship.

I think it could be one of the reasons you've been down lately. He has to go and you need to work it out within. It begins with you. Accept that you gave it your all and forgive yourself that it didn't work out. Then severe those ties and let God heal you.

All the best my dear friend.

Mwistar said...

I am speaking as a mostly insensitive man (staying true to myself):
Feels to me like M lost his interest. Yes, he continues to try and make it up to you because he cares, but, I think it's because he doesn't want to feel like he let you down.
You need to know where his mind is. Maybe he doesn't know how to tell you. Maybe he needs an atmosphere that will bring out the raw, uncut truth. Competition. It works wonders.

Anengiyefa said...


Thanks for your contribution. I have taken on board what you said and yes, I agree with you. But one thing that maybe you haven't taken into account is that I have loved M, and still do. I think of this as a compatibility problem, because on those occasions when we have been on the same level, the relationship has seemed like the best thing ever.

Adjustments need to be made on both sides I suppose. I take the view that letting go of something so wonderful simply because some difficulties have arisen, might be a knee-jerk reaction which in the long run will not produce the desired results. The fact is that both us desire to keep the relationship, although perhaps our expectations of the relationship and of each other may be divergent. Bringing these expectations together may be the way forward. We have survived similar tumultuous times in the past and I think this is because we love each other. And its for this reason that its so painful when things aren't going right. I am aware that its painful for him too.

Anengiyefa said...

Hi Rox,

Thanks for your comment. I think M is actually aware of the ngative effect that his conduct is having on me. But it would be wrong for me to think that my own behaviour isn't having a negative effect on him also.

Your assessment that we're at "different places" in the relationship is spot on. But rather than throwing it all away, maybe we should try one more time to bring it together. We have been together for just over two years, although the circumstances of our lives do not permit us to be physically present with each other all of the time. Maybe we need try to communicate on a deeper level than we have been doing. But the problem I find is that its doesn't come naturally to many men to openly discuss their feelings, preferring rather to keep things bottled up.

Anengiyefa said...

Hi Mwistar

Thanks. As I said to GNM and Rox, it may well be that we have failed able to work out a compromise between his own view of the relationship and mine. Maybe we have both stubbornly held fast to our respective positions, and that what is required is for us to decide on which compromises we are prepared to make.

At a certain stage in life, tearing yourself from a relationship that you've worked on for years becomes less easy than it would have been when we were younger.

Anonymous said...

Aww! Poor boy. I know this was 2 years ago but the hurt in your post was so hard to ignore. I hope you moved past that experience into a healthier relationship.

Part of my worries with coming out is that the dating field is not as easy as that in the heterosexual world. There are too many complications with commitment, monogamy and longevity that I don't think its worth the effort. And there aren't any African gay couples that can serve as role models.

The way I see it now, it looks like its going to be a single, lonely life..........i hope not.

Anyway, how is your love life now? I hope you've found your much-deserved happiness.


Anengiyefa said...

I agree that monogamous gay relationships are not easy to find, especially among people of African descent as you rightly pointed out Donald.

However, on the matter of role models, there have to be pioneers who set the ground. In my view, ours might be the generation that is saddled with the responsibility of providing the first role models for future generations to follow - men who are successful, respectable, yet gay, in love and African. .. Something to ponder eh?