I had a telephone conversation recently with someone I'd met online. After only a few minutes, we saw that we were both comfortable with each other so it wasn't long before he opened up to me. He started by admitting that he had come to realise that being gay is "a young man's thing", (his words exactly). He had been looking to find a good relationship for many years, but as he got older, he said, he had found it harder to meet men he liked. The ones he met were either too young, and therefore not sufficiently serious and emotionally balanced and willing to be in a monogamous relationship, or they were old, tired and washed up. And added to this was the fact that the older men were much more likely, to be family men whose circumstances just did not allow for a monogamous relationship with a man.
Well, unlike my friend on the phone, I am one of those who find that the older man is more interesting than the younger guy. When I was 17 and at university, my boyfriend was 27. We were at the same university and for me at the time, 27 seemed really old and was just the right sort of age that I fancied. Unfortunately, this boyfriend got caught up in the "you're expected to get married" thing. So after university he got married to a woman and soon afterwards he had fathered two sons. Although he and I would still see each other now and again, it was not the same as it used to be and our relationship slowly petered out. He was in the military and had access to firearms. And sadly this boyfriend of mine shot himself dead one day, after shooting a man he believed was having an affair with his wife. Although my boyfriend thought that he had killed his wife's lover, the man survived his gunshot wounds, but my boyfriend did not. It was a huge tragedy for me, but that is another story and will be the subject of another post. I promise..
Coming back to older men! It is a fact that as I have grown older myself, my taste in men has continued to progress commensurately upwards by age, such that nowadays a fifty-something year old man who looks after himself, is well-kempt, trim and in shape, is more likely to catch my eye than a man who is younger than me. I'm particularly attracted to greying hair and grey facial hair makes my heart thump just that bit faster. Gosh!, did I really say that in public? Lol. No, but really, the older guy it is who is more likely to be patient and tolerant of my shortcomings. He is calmer, more experienced and appreciates the finer things in life. And please don't believe all those things they say about older men in bed, because there are 60-year old studs! And the evidence is that the older man lasts longer. Also with him, I can rest assured that we should not need to go clubbing every weekend, which suits me just fine! But there are other major issues..
Older men are almost always either married to women; or even if they are separated or divorced, they have children some of who might now be adults themselves; or they have previously been in a failed long-term relationship with a man and are looking for a replacement for their ex-lover; or they are gay men who have been promiscuous all their adult lives and for whom there can be no likelihood that they will suddenly cease to be promiscuous just because you came into their life. Finding an older man, especially of African descent, who does not fall into one of the above categories is near impossible, in my view.
I have encountered men who fit all of the above descriptions. Married men are disqualified certainly. One married man I met was even brazen enough to lie to me about his wife. Over a period of six months or so, despite my growing concern, he insisted to me that the woman at his house was his sister. How uncouth is that! Besides, who wants to be the reason for a marital break-up? Then I will also mention the one who confided to me how much he hated his wife, the mother of his four children. "I should never have married", he exclaimed. Well, you should have known that marriage and kids are for life. You cannot eat your cake and have it!
Grown-up kids are more likely than not to be interested in the nature of the relationship between their dad and some guy that they frequently see in their dad's company. This situation often makes it necessary to fabricate a cover story, but I do not enjoy lying, or being lied about. A friend I once had wouldn't let me in at the front door when I arrived at his house one evening. He took me outside and whispered that his adult son was visiting and could I go away and come back a couple of hours later? Did I go back afterwards? I leave you to work that out for yourselves..
The one who was recovering from his recently failed relationship wouldn't stop moaning about his former relationship and the ex. Sometimes, he would talk about how kind and loving the ex had been, then at other times about how depressing the relationship had become, comparing me to his ex....Hello, I am not your ex! I am me, a different person! And I really don't care what happened between you two! Are we moving forward or what?
And then there are those lot you see hanging around in bars, eyeing up younger men. Young men most of who justifiably show no interest in the lonely and sad looking older men who apparently have squandered their younger years in the pursuit of casual sex. It saddens me to see many among the younger generation heading in that same direction..
So what does a man with my tastes do? Well, the first word that comes to mind is COMPROMISE. This has to be the starting point.