Monday, 25 January 2010

The demons inside my head

I woke up one cold winter's morning years ago. I was in love and I felt wonderful. My love and I had been on the phone the night before and everything seemed fine. It was only weeks previously that we had slept together in this very same bed in which I was now waking up to behold the whiteness and the magnificence of the snowy vista that was the view from my bedroom window. There was not the slightest indication that there might be a problem. I was in love and as I re-entered the bed and curled myself up under the duvet, warm thoughts of this love in my mind, I assumed that this must be what happiness feels like..

This love and I had met nine months before. During that time we had developed the kind of relationship that I had always dreamt of, both of us at par intellectually. The relationship was stimulating and exciting and the feeling of knowing that this person felt the same as I did was heart-warming. I thought it was a secure place to be, a place that I hoped would be intact forever. But how wrong I was proved to be, because on this very same day, by sunset, I had received word from this love by email and by phone, that unfortunately we would not be continuing with our relationship. In short, I was being told the words "It's over!" An attempt was made at providing an explanation, and the reason given made sense too.. We were separated by distance.. But this was a factor we had known about from the onset and one that we had both agreed we would work around, with a view at some point to removing this barrier completely. Somehow, I seemed to have been the bolder, more optimistic one, because although I could see no immediate prospect of removing the distance barrier in the foreseeable future, I held on to the hope that our love would see us through. Haven't we all heard that love conquers all..? Anyhow, this 'news' hit me like a freight train. I was disbelieving at first and thought it might be just a bad dream. Then I speculated, "No, he couldn't have meant that", trying to make sense of what I'd just been told, you know, trying to rationalise..."He'll soon come to his senses...", I would say to myself. But as the hours went by and turned into days, the reality became more apparent.

Because I was so mentally and psychologically unprepared for this calamity, the full impact of it was lost on me for a few days yet. But when the pain and the rejection eventually crashed upon me, I became a complete wreck. Its effect upon me was that it is likely that I didn't eat a proper meal for weeks and I have a vague recollection of wandering the streets aimlessly, sometimes not even remembering to wear a coat to keep out the cold.. I failed to turn up for work for about a month and remember once being brought home to my front door in a police patrol car in the middle of the night. I think I must have been found walking alone, dazed, on the deserted street. The fact is that I basically lost my mind..

It took a gargantuan effort on my part to get through this period and to pull myself together. But the pain, always, the pain.. It caused me to dig deep into my emotional and mental reserves and forced me to button up, sit down and study for my qualifying exams, which I'd been putting off for years. But the emotional wound was deep and it healed very slowly indeed. I was never going to let this happen to me ever again, I promised myself. So going forward, I seem to have carried with me to any further relationship that I've been engaged in, the baggage from this episode in my life. I am constantly haunted by the fear that this will happen again and this fear has influenced my conduct within subsequent relationships that I've been in. And I'm not sure if its a good thing, since I'm constantly treading carefully (perhaps overly) being too fearful to commit and to give my all, as I know I'm capable of doing.

I have written this post in the hope that talking about it will purge my mind of this fear. My self-confidence and self-esteem have taken a severe bashing. Its impact upon my life is profound and I have considered seeking some kind of professional help. Sometime this week I'm booked to see a psychiatrist. I guess this sounds like I'm a bit wonky in the head, but really, I think its for the best..

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I see in you a strength that you don't seem to realise exists. Persevere, be strong. Life is what you make it. Thanks for sharing and the hope is that speaking up makes you feel better.

Anengiyefa said...

Greetings Anonymous. Thanks for that. I've often heard it said that life is what you make it. But John Lennon I think it was who said that "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans..", and it is this latter saying that speaks more truly of my position on this. Oft-times we are the victim of circumstances that we have no control over, and we find that all we can do is to make the best of the position in which we find ourselves.

Yes, I do feel a measure of release talking about this. It has weighed heavily on me for a long time. Thanks again.

Akin said...

Anengiyefa,

I think you are taking the right steps, bravely and courageously.

The loves we thought we had but for all sorts of things.

Let me hold your hand, the best cannot be our past.

Yours,

Akin

Anengiyefa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anengiyefa said...

Hello Akin,
I was unsure if speaking up like this was the best thing, but I was at the same time convinced that it was indeed the right thing to do, a conviction that has only been reaffirmed by your comment.

Yes you're right, the past should not be the best and there must always be the prospect of a better future to look towards. I'm embarking on a journey towards full restoration and I intend to provide updates from time to time. Thanks so much for your support Akin, it is needed

gayuganda said...

Sorry can be such a trite, impossible word to cover a wrong.

Love, maybe love...

Sometimes to love is to hurt. Sometimes to love is to feel the pain of loving, but again, that doesnt completely cover it all, does it?

Words. Maybe...

Love. Love again. And allow yourself the chance to heal...

Anengiyefa said...

Greetings Gug, welcome. All I can say is that the tears came flooding out, tears of joy maybe. And closely following this was a feeling of relief and peace. The graciousness might not have meant so much had it come sooner. I suppose the saying about "the right time for everything" comes into play. Thank you.

Free Surf said...

I totally understand the feeling. I can't bear the thought of long distance relationships neither can i bear the thought of someone been around me too many hours in a day. I guess growing up alone in my fantasy world has got me so independent to the point where it threatens my relationships.

This independence remains the reason why I haven't been bold enough to ask a guy out and why I always wait to be asked out.

That way I won't feel much guilt if the relationship spirals in the future. I'm scared of wasting his time by not opening up and giving him all my time and love. Hopefully i won't end up having to see a shrink to help me out.

Imagine speaking to a shrink in nigeria about this. roflmao. It will be well with us.

CodLiverOil said...

Anengiyefa
I find your honesty refreshing. It encourages me to be a better person.

As we both know, this life isn't easy. How do we cope with the knocks that will inevitably come our way? By being thoughtful and courageous as you are being, you may well be on your way to better things, that lie beyond the immediate horizon of trepidation.

Thank you for sharing.

THERishouldbeAPY said...

I know exactly what you're going through. I was in a relationship with a girl who dumped me suddenly because she felt we didn't "spend enough time together" (we did lived an hour apart).

I didn't realize how much I liked (loved?) her until the friendly phone calls stopped and I realized she had moved on to the next girl. Slowly I started to realize she was what I always wanted in a girl: I had found another queer Nigerian and she was protective and loving and... I'd lost my chance... I was emotionally and physically ill for weeks and I became withdrawn... it's been a year and I'm still not completely over her...

I hope you continue to be strong and become more confident within yourself. You will find love again and it will feel better, be stronger and last longer than the last time. Be well ♥