Sunday, 13 June 2010

My dear friend in the closet..

I recently received a comment on one of my posts on this blog from a few months ago. The post Out of the closet is the first of two parts. The person who made the comment is in the closet, so understandably he chose to remain anonymous. And although I am aware of his location, out of respect I have opted to keep that to myself, save for the fact that he is somewhere in Africa. This is his comment:

My dear friend,
I wish that my family would realise that my sexuality is not and has never been my choice.I have to go as far as meeting my boyfriend in another town to avoid being outed.He is out of the closet and my family know him.Its strange that they are so kind to him but yet if I came out-It would be the end of the world.

I love him so much and want to one day share a life with him,you know a commited relayionship,but how that will ever come to pass I dont know.I just wish we could be with eachother without any dilema.

He chooses to be with me even though he knows the consequences if we were ever to be caught.I am so in love with him ,want hin, to share my life with me ,but unfortunately this will never be so.
Do you have advice for me my friend?I cannot do this to him,I feel that Im wasting his time ,but I know that he is my soul mate.What do I do with regards to my homophobic,Christian and fundamental family?Your advice is so appreciated.

Kind Wishes,
IN The Closet

Now, since I am no expert in matters of this kind and this gentleman obviously needs some advice, I thought that posting his comment here could provide to him a wider range of views and opinions rather than just my own.

My view is that he knows his own family better than any of us do. And in the end it is he who must make his own decision, whether to continue with the relationship as it currently is, which seems to me rather tenuous, whether to end the relationship for fear of being found out, (which seems rather unlikely), or whether to come out to his folks and live openly and freely. But whatever decision he makes could have the benefit of being influenced by advice that he receives from anyone who chooses to respond to his call.

It strikes me that he says that his family are "kind" to his friend, who is out of the closet, so presumably the family would know that he (the friend) is gay. I also find it slightly worrying that the Christian religion, which preaches and teaches peace and love, also underpins much of the intolerance that we see all around us.


Anonymous said...

The Closet. One place We can feel scared and safe at the same time.

Anengiyefa said...

Greetings to you St Sebastien. You're welcome. I agree that the closet can feel safe, hence the reason why many seek refuge within it.

My personal view however, is to think of the closet as a sort of cage and that it has the overall effect of limiting the enjoyment of life's experiences that are on offer.

To a large extent, the closet is imaginary, since you are still who you are, regardless of the image that you portray to others around you. Another bother concerning the closet for me is, how far should a person go in shoring up the closet walls? You'd be surprised the things that some people have to do to keep those closet walls in place...

In honesty, I see the closet as a complete hassle. I'd rather be me as I am and people can get used to it, or they can mind their own business. :)


I don't know what to say to this gentleman other than to say the following. His sexual orientation is definitely not a choice, and while i would want to tell him to come out of the closet, he knows more about the environment he lives in. Because I would hate to encourage him to come out and then face societal hostility and violence.

I wish him the best of luck whatever he chooses and he needs to remain thankful that his boyfriend cares for him. At least he is not alone.

Stay strong!

Gay Nairobi Man said...

Its been a while since I visited.

It is possible for one to remain in the closet and yet havea fulfilling monogamous relation- yap even in Africa.

One just have to find ways to cope with their surroundings. For instance, the two of them can hang out with straight people as pals