I always knew that I was not going to remain in the closet forever. Indeed, as I reached adulthood and became even more comfortable with myself, I itched restlessly to communicate my inner feelings to those around me.
The ideal situation would be if everybody, everywhere, was open-minded enough to understand that human sexuality is a bit more complicated than many assume it is. In those circumstances, being gay would be normal; heterosexual people would not feel threatened by same-sex attraction and gay and lesbian people could live happily, participating openly in the world around them. But unfortunately, that utopia remains firmly remote and exotic, nothing more than an imaginary Shangri-la. And expecially so when viewed in the context of the African society where I found myself in my younger years. But my life is not imaginary, neither is my sexuality.
The reality is that regardless of the intolerance that Africa's same-gender-loving people have to contend with, there are same-gender-loving men and women in African societies whether or not our societies acknowledge this fact and/or accept it. Expressing disgust and treating confirmed same-gender-loving people with contempt is not synchronous with eliminating same-sex attraction. Indeed, to eradicate it is impossible, since this is just a naturally occurring variation, a small part of natural human sexuality; of the expression of sexual feelings that are intrinsic to the nature of us all as human beings.
It is a fact that denying same-gender-loving people the right to live their lives as they ought to is detrimental to society itself. The mental health of some of them is affected, with a concomitant negative effect on their productive capacity as members of the community. Their specific health needs are ignored, whereas in truth, the majority of same-sex attracted African men are involved in heterosexual relationships, mostly in an attempt to conform with society's expectations. And the involvement in heterosexual relationships by these men of necessity implies that their specific health needs are quite more important that many African governments are willing to acknowledge.
I will try to elucidate as best as I can what I perceive to be the misjudgement of same-sex attracted people by the majority of Africans. These are mistakes that are often made when people in Africa respond to their calls for recognition:
- Firstly, homosexuality is not a 'lifestyle'.
- Secondly, same-gender-loving people do not choose their sexuality.
- Homosexuality is not a 'practice'.
- Homosexuality in males is not equivalent to the physical act of penetrative anal sexual intercourse.
- Homosexuality is a part of human sexuality. It is not a commodity capable of being transported across international borders.
The word "lifestyle" is defined here as: "the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group".
I shall use the following illustration to clarify my point:
Let us think about the 'habits', 'tastes', 'moral standards' and 'economic status' of a gay African man, who is well educated, probably holding a post-graduate degree, the Director of a successful international business conglomerate with offices in an African capital city, who lives primarily in Africa, but who for pleasure and in his line of work is privileged to enjoy foreign travel; who is in a monogamous long-term relationship with his male partner (albeit this must remain a closely guarded secret).
Let us then imagine what might be the tastes, habits, moral standards and economic circumstances of a lorry driver who prefers to have sex with men; but who being the oldest among his siblings, is "expected to carry on the family name". So he is married to a woman whom he conveniently leaves at home while he goes on his long lorry driving trips from city to city, availing himself of the relative freedom and opportunity that his job offers to liaise with various men in various locations. Some of the men he meets are male sex workers. (There are places where men can meet other men in many African cities, despite the hostility that surrounds them).
These are just two hypothetical, but realistic, examples of possible circumstances of gay men in Africa. It is possible to describe numerous other scenarios, but the point here is that in no way can the lifestyles of these two individuals described above be said to be similar. Indeed, the respective lifestyles of the two men could hardly be more unalike. Yet they are both gay, both African and both living in Africa.
I am quick to tell people I meet in African chat rooms on the Internet that I am a gay man. It is anonymous in the chat room so no one feels threatened, and I like to watch for a reaction to this 'news'. Some would just shrug it off and move on. However, an unsurprisingly large number would make an odious remark at first, but some would then become interested to chat with me, seeking to know how a gay person feels. But not without first asking the question, "So when did you become gay? Or something like, "So why did you choose to be gay?" Well, the simple answer to both questions is, "I didn't!" I did not become gay at any time. I still have not heard a heterosexual person tell me WHEN he or she became straight, or WHY they chose to become straight. You did not become straight, because you have always been straight. You did not choose to be heterosexual. You just found that you are. The same applies to me. I don't understand why some people find it difficult to grasp the notion that sexual orientation is not a matter of choice. Is it not preposterous that I would make the deliberate choice to be gay, being fully aware of the attitude towards same-sex love in the society I grew up in? They argue that when I love a man, it is against Nature. But I put this down to the arrogance of mankind. Who are we as humans to question Mother Nature, speak for her, or dictate to her? It is my nature to love a man. Don't ask me why, ask Mother Nature the question.
(I will continue with this post later. I'm reticent to make it overly lengthy) See Part 2 here.
