The demons inside my head

I woke up one cold winter's morning years ago. I was in love, and I felt wonderful. My love and I had been on the phone the night before and everything seemed fine. It was only weeks previously that we had slept together in this very same bed in which I was now waking up to behold the whiteness and the magnificence of the snowy vista that was the view from my bedroom window. There was not the slightest indication that there might be a problem. I was in love and as I re-entered the bed and curled myself up under the duvet, warm thoughts of this love in my mind, I assumed that this must be what happiness feels like.

This love and I had met nine months before. During that time we had developed the kind of relationship that I had always dreamt of, both of us at par intellectually. The relationship was stimulating and exciting, and the feeling of knowing that this person felt the same as I did was heart-warming. I thought it was a secure place, a place that I hoped would be intact forever. But how wrong I was proved to be, because on this very same day, by sunset, I had received word from this love by email and by phone that unfortunately we would not be continuing with our relationship. In short, I was being told the words "It's over!" An attempt was made at providing an explanation, and the reason given made sense too. We were separated by distance.

But this was a factor we knew about from the onset and one that we had both agreed we would work around, with a view at some point to removing this barrier completely. Somehow, I seemed to have been the bolder more optimistic one, because although I could see no immediate prospect of removing the distance barrier in the foreseeable future, I held on to the hope that our love would see us through. Haven't we all heard that love conquers all? Anyhow, this 'news' hit me like a freight train. I was disbelieving at first and thought it might be just a bad dream. Then I speculated, "No, they couldn't have meant that", trying to make sense of what I'd just been told, you know, trying to rationalise. "They'll soon come to their senses", I would say to myself. But as the hours went by and turned into days, the reality became stronger.

Since I was so mentally and psychologically unprepared for this calamity, the full impact of it was lost on me for a few days yet. But when the pain and the rejection eventually crashed upon me, I was a complete wreck. Its impact on me was that it is likely that I didn't eat a proper meal for weeks, and I have a vague recollection of wandering the streets aimlessly, sometimes not even remembering to wear a coat to keep out the cold. I failed to turn up for work for about a month, and remember once being brought home to my front door in a police patrol car in the middle of the night. I think I must have been found walking alone, dazed, on the deserted street. The fact is that I basically lost my mind.

It took a gargantuan effort on my part to get through this period and to pull myself together. But the pain, always, the pain. It caused me to dig deep into my emotional and mental reserves and forced me to button up, sit down and study for my qualifying exams, which I had been putting off for years. But the emotional wound was deep and it healed very slowly indeed. 

I was never going to let this happen to me ever again, I promised myself. So going forward I seem to have carried with me to any new relationship the baggage from this episode in my life. I am constantly haunted by the fear that this will happen again, and this fear has influenced my conduct within subsequent relationships that I've been in. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing, since I'm constantly treading carefully (perhaps overly) being too fearful to commit and to give my all as I know I'm capable of doing.

I have written this post in the hope that talking about it will purge my mind of this fear. My self-confidence and self-esteem have taken a severe bashing. Its impact upon my life is profound and I have considered seeking some kind of professional help. Sometime this week I'm booked to see a psychiatrist. I guess this sounds like I'm a bit wonky in the head, but really I think it's for the best.

Great stuff, Steve Bloom..

I've recently become a fan of Steve Bloom, a "writer and a photographic artist who specialises in evocative images of the living world. Born in South Africa in 1953, he first used the camera to document life in South Africa during the apartheid years. He moved to England in 1977 and co-founded one of London's leading photographic special effects companies."

I stumbled upon this image, which is speculated to be the "world's widest panoramic photograph.." and parts of an interview of Mr Bloom by the BBC, where he talked about his new book, Trading Places: The Merchants of Nairobi

On how he took this photograph, Mr Bloom states: "I started at the Hilton Hotel at the far end on the right, and moved along to the Jeddy Hair Salon, taking a photograph every four paces. I used a 50mm lens, which approximates the field of view of the human eye for the 35mm film format, and a small aperture to maximise focus. The resulting images are painstakingly stitched together. As the eye moves along the photograph, the viewpoint changes continually, as if the viewer is physically moving down the road. Because we read the image from left to right, the viewer goes backwards in time through a period of about forty-five minutes. Some of the traders such as the knife sharpener, are seen repeatedly going through their business in different parts of the road at different times. This image opposes the 'decisive moment' approach to photography and is more cinematic in its structure."

I understand that in the book, this image stretches across the title page and sixteen pages of the introduction. When printed, the print is about 40 metres long. Pretty amazing..

Not Haiti again...

AP/REUTERS

Before and After photos of the presidential palace in Port au Prince, Haiti

It bothers me that we wait until an event such as this devastating 7.0 magnitude earthquake in Haiti occurs, before we rush in relief aid and assistance. Haiti, which in geographical terms is a close neighbour of the world's wealthiest country is ignored for much of the rest of the time, except by aid agencies and the US authorites when threatened by what is perceived as an influx of Haitian migrants desperate for the chance of a better life..

How unfair this world can be. Considering that is was not that long ago that this country suffered from severe floods, it seems that it is the poorest and therefore the weakest that Nature targets for the harshest treatment...

Dispelling rumours of his death..

Nigeria's president not seen in public since going into hospital in Saudi Arabia for heart treatment in November has told the BBC in a telephone interview that he is recovering. The BBC reports it here.

CNN iReport speculates Yar'Adua's death

I came across this posting at CNN's iReport stating that Nigeria's President Yar Adua died yesterday in Saudi Arabia. The full text of the report appears below:

AMERICAN CHRONICLE
By Hodderway Books
January 11, 2010

Nigerian President, His Excellency Umaru Yaradua is dead according to authoritative sources at the King Faisal Specialist Hospital and Research Centre.

He died on the 10th of December at 3.30pm at an Intensive Care Unit at the King Faisal Specialist Hospital and Research Center in Jeddah Saudi-Arabia. Sources at the Hospital say that the First lady wants to keep the news secret for the next few days for personal reasons.

At the time of his death he was surrounded by his wife, Turai and a childhood friend, Nigerian Member of Parliament,

The president left Nigeria fifty days ago after complaining of Chest pains. Sources at the King Faisal Specialist Hospital and Research Center in Jeddah say that the president suffered among many other things, kidney failure, stroke and massive brain damage.

The President has been bedridden ever since. Nigerian officials had previously lied to the country that the president’s health was getting better while his situation got worse. The president was conspicuously silent regarding the Christmas day bombing in which a 23-year-old Nigerian, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab tried to detonate a bomb on an aircraft that carried nearly 300 people.

On becoming a leader

Music has always been my ministry. Though I dragged my feet about it for a long time, I finally recently joined the choir at my church in London. As a boy I was in an all-male Cathedral choir, where we the young boys sang the soprano/treble part and the older men sang the alto, tenor and bass parts. My father and both of my older brothers were also in the choir, and singing for me has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. In the choir we had vocal training, and were taught to read sheet music. At school I learned to play musical instruments, the recorder in particular. I distinctly remember that time many years ago, when the choir of Kings College Cambridge travelled all the way from the UK to visit us and sing with us during a special service at our church at Marina in Lagos, Nigeria. I was still a boy, well under 10-years old, but the memory of that special occasion is still fresh in my mind. Ours was also the church that the then Head of State of Nigeria, General Yakubu Gowon would attend now and again. This is just to provide some history.

Coming back to my story, having joined this choir at my church I attended choir practice for the first time yesterday. As we all know, the weather in London has been bad recently, so after the practice session there was the need to offer a lift to any of the others who wanted a lift home. I wound up with the pastor of the church sitting with me in my car, and within the 20 minutes it took to drive to his house, he had made the decision that I was to become the leader of the choir. Ahem! 

I mean, I had not even been in the choir for a full day, and more importantly, I had never joined the choir in ministering to the congregation during the Sunday service. But this pastor is one of those assertive people that you just do not say "no" to. So I said "yes", when after he told me he was appointing me, he asked me what I thought of his decision.

Now, I have never been the leader of anything in my life. I have always been content to stay unnoticed on the sidelines, such that even if occasionally I raised my head to say something or voice one opinion or other, I would quickly retreat to the safety of the sidelines. So the fact that the church authority after seeing me just once at choir practice had deemed me a suitable candidate for the job of choir leader, seems rather surprising. I suppose this suggests that they were impressed with my demonstrable knowledge of music, and with my vocal ability. And with this I don't have a problem. But leading a group of singers involves a lot more than just singing. It involves coordinating and organising. And having never had any experience of such, I find it daunting. However, I'm diving into my new role with enthusiasm and intend to do the best that I can, being always willing to take on new challenges, learn new things, and listen to advice.

By the way, I ministered with the choir at Sunday service today. I even got to do a solo part. The people at church all seemed surprised and one of them made a comment about "hidden talent". At this rate, it won't be long before we will be auditioning for the X Factor 😀