I am not a supporter of those African same-gender attracted men and women who never tire of wailing about how miserably they are forced to live their lives, because of what they perceive to be oppression by the heterosexual majority, and by society generally. When African queer men and women remain hidden, and live their lives pretending to be anything other than what they really are, there is no opportunity for their heterosexual brothers and sisters to understand them, and they can not then learn from looking at them and observing how they conduct themselves that much of the information those brothers and sisters have received about homosexuality from the media, and religious preaching and so forth, is misconceived and incorrect. Most gay men and women I have met are outstanding individuals in almost every respect, and are liked and respected by their heterosexual counterparts.
Many gay Africans reading this will at this point say, "Well, yes they respect me because they don't know I'm gay". What I would say in response is, "Well, that's you talking, not them. You have not given them a chance to respond to you, knowing whom you are sexually and emotionally attracted to. So how can you possibly tell how they would react if they knew?"
The truth is that the majority of African people have not had the opportunity to interact with people who identify as gay, whereas in reality, albeit unknowingly, they live with gay people in their homes, work in the same offices, attend the same schools and colleges, use the same bars, restaurants and public transport; enjoy the same sports and watch the same movies; pass them on the street, meet them in banks, post offices and many other public places. Many have friends they love but who they don't know are gay. And because the gay people always keep their sexual orientation hidden - some even go to the extent of putting up a front by pretending not to be gay - the understanding of homosexuality by the heterosexual majority is limited to the general misinformation that they receive from the media, especially in Africa, and what is preached to them from the pulpit.
It is not uncommon to find two brothers who grow up in the same household, spend their entire childhoods together, become adults and remain very close as siblings, and yet one of them does not know that the other is gay, or is not sure. It would not surprise you that the one who is not gay acquires an intensely virulent and malicious homophobia from the misinformation that he has imbibed over the years, not knowing that this his very own brother whom he loves so much, with whom he has so much in common and has been so close to all his life, is one of those homosexual persons whom he professes to despise so much and hate so rabidly. If only he knew.
Now tell me, on whom should we place the blame for the discordance between these two brothers? Is it the one who believes that all gay people are evil and must be killed, because he believes he has never met a gay person in his life, and promises to strangle the first gay person that dares to make a pass at him? Or is it the gay brother who knows that although he is gay, is not evil and that he is still the same person whom his brother loves so much, regardless that his sexual orientation is different; and he still loves his homophobic brother regardless of the misguided hatred that he espouses?
The way I see it is that the responsibility for mutual understanding lies with both brothers. Homophobic brother needs to understand that homosexuals do not have tails, or horns on their heads. He needs to understand that homosexuals are people too, something like his brother whom he loves so much. Homosexual brother on the other hand has the responsibility of letting his brother realise that there is in fact a homosexual person standing right next to him, who has slept in the same bed with him, eaten from the same plate, shared the bathroom with him throughout his childhood, and remains supportive and steadfast in his fraternal love.
I am of the view that same-gender-loving Africans are failing in their responsibility to demonstrate to their heterosexual brothers and sisters how wrong they are in their judgment of homosexuals and homosexuality. Endless whining and whinging serves no useful purpose, if all it does is to reinforce the perceived oppression by those who misunderstand them. This approach may even have the undesired effect of intensifying homophobia. It is hardly surprising that we see more draconian legislation being promulgated in jurisdictions such as Uganda and Nigeria, mostly in response to cries by a few brave gay activists that make people feel threatened. It is almost like the way people react to mosquitoes buzzing around the ear. Complaining is little more than an irritation at best, in my view. What is most required is a conscious effort by same-gender-loving men and women to be more forthcoming about their sexual orientation. What this will achieve is to create a situation where our people will start to see homosexual people in human terms, especially when they can identify them as persons they already know. This will help to demystify homosexuality, insofar as it will become something which people can associate with individuals they know in person, people they admire, people they like, love and respect.
I was writing a post for this blog on my office computer recently and Doris, one of my colleagues came into my room for some clarification on a task I had assigned to her a few hours earlier. The approach to my desk from her room is from behind, so she could read what was on my screen before I even knew she was there. I don't know for how long she had been standing behind me, put I saw the expression on her face and I know she had seen what I was typing. Some time ago I would have been perturbed, but I find that nowadays it's almost like relief when I learn that someone has discovered my sexual orientation. Doris' attitude has not changed, she still acts towards me in exactly the same way she always did. Indeed, I suspect that what she saw on my computer only confirmed her suspicions, and that of others in the firm. In truth I'm almost glad this has happened, because even if nothing else, they will be careful not to make homophobic remarks in my presence or when I'm within earshot. And no more silly questions about my girlfriend at the office Christmas party. It's easy for people to turn this around and say that I'm only writing this because I live in the UK. What I will say is that I would still be gay even if I was living in Africa. I am not comfortable with living in hiding, or living a life pretending to be something that I am not.
